Do you ever feel that, when you meet new people at parties, your interactions with those people adhere to the same basic formula or script almost every time?
First, there's the obligatory joke about my name, accompanied by a very fake laugh on my part (but that goes without saying, of course). Then, "What do you do for a living?" In response to learning what my job is, the adjective they always (and I mean always) give me is "fulfilling," which I sometimes suspect translates into "Wow! Well, better you than me, all right!"
The next question is inevitably not about me, my hobbies, or my interests, but instead about my love life (which I guess makes some sense, considering politics and religion are off-limits at parties): "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Now, here is where the discussion begins unfolding like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books. I've personally been on both ends of the spectrum. If the answer is yes, then turn to page 37, where the query you get is naturally "What does he do for a living?", followed by their no-holds-barred opinions of how prestigious (or fulfilling) his job is. Then, turn to page 59, where you're sure to hear "So, how serious is the relationship?", or perhaps one of these similar versions: "Are you living together?" (don't get me started), "Do you have any kids?", or "When are you going to get married?"
If your original reply is that you don't have a boyfriend, however, the questions could go all over the place. . . pages 73, 16, 44, what have you. There's just NO ceiling to the mind-blowing fun that kind of conversation can be. I'd imagine it's given me a panicked, deer-in-the-headlights look on my face before, being accosted with such stuff as "Well, why don't you have a boyfriend?" "Don't you WANT one someday?" "Haven't you ever had one before?" "How do you plan on getting one?" "Do you have any specific prospects in mind right now?" And last but not least, "What do you MEAN, you don't have one! What the heck is wrong with you! I mean, for heaven's sake, you CRETIN. Well, that does it. I am gonna go out and fix you up with the next dude I see on the street, right this very instant!"
(Well. . . OK, maybe that last one doesn't represent the exact wording they use.)
First, there's the obligatory joke about my name, accompanied by a very fake laugh on my part (but that goes without saying, of course). Then, "What do you do for a living?" In response to learning what my job is, the adjective they always (and I mean always) give me is "fulfilling," which I sometimes suspect translates into "Wow! Well, better you than me, all right!"
The next question is inevitably not about me, my hobbies, or my interests, but instead about my love life (which I guess makes some sense, considering politics and religion are off-limits at parties): "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Now, here is where the discussion begins unfolding like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books. I've personally been on both ends of the spectrum. If the answer is yes, then turn to page 37, where the query you get is naturally "What does he do for a living?", followed by their no-holds-barred opinions of how prestigious (or fulfilling) his job is. Then, turn to page 59, where you're sure to hear "So, how serious is the relationship?", or perhaps one of these similar versions: "Are you living together?" (don't get me started), "Do you have any kids?", or "When are you going to get married?"
If your original reply is that you don't have a boyfriend, however, the questions could go all over the place. . . pages 73, 16, 44, what have you. There's just NO ceiling to the mind-blowing fun that kind of conversation can be. I'd imagine it's given me a panicked, deer-in-the-headlights look on my face before, being accosted with such stuff as "Well, why don't you have a boyfriend?" "Don't you WANT one someday?" "Haven't you ever had one before?" "How do you plan on getting one?" "Do you have any specific prospects in mind right now?" And last but not least, "What do you MEAN, you don't have one! What the heck is wrong with you! I mean, for heaven's sake, you CRETIN. Well, that does it. I am gonna go out and fix you up with the next dude I see on the street, right this very instant!"
(Well. . . OK, maybe that last one doesn't represent the exact wording they use.)
(But you can totally tell that that's what they're itching to say, if "decorum" didn't sort of prohibit it.)
7 comments:
You have the ability to steer the basic script to your liking. After the joke about your name you respond with a jab to the right eye. If you are feeling forgiving that day or you happen to be at a wedding or a funeral, just say "did you spend all day thinking that one up, jackass?". That might end the conversation right there but do you really want to delve into the job / boyfriend discussion anyway?
If you slip up and do the fake laugh, when they go to the boyfriend portion use the old "STOP HITTING ON ME YOU FREAK!".
Unless of course it's an elderly lady who expects me to have been married 9 years ago because that's what EVERYONE did "back in her day" ;)
Well then say "STOP TRYING TO PAWN OFF YOUR MISERABLE HUSBAND ON ME!!!"
"Especially since he's dead!"
Ok, "STOP TRYING TO PAWN OFF YOUR PIMPLE-FACED-RPG-PLAYING-BASEMENT-DWELLING SON/DAUGHTER/ANDROGYNOUS-CREATURE ON ME!"
How about, "I know, but the sex is so much better with my girlfriend!" That would shut the old lady up.
I remember once when I was in a drugstore buying a very common male anti-pregnancy product (OK, condoms) and an old lady walked up to me and said,
"You know, I don't appreciate you boys' lifestyle, but I'm glad you're doing something about that AIDS thing."
One of the few times in my life that I was rendered speechless...
Um. . . WOW.
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