Cliff Notes

I'd be lying if I denied checking out the Web site www.fmylife.com. . . um. . . a little more often than I probably should. After all, let's face it, it's so damned entertaining. Besides, it gives you some comfort after a hard day. You think you have it rough? -- well, you can frequently find some short-and-snappy anecdote on there that makes your day look like a bed of roses by comparison!

That said, I've noticed that the same few themes seem to come up on there again and again. This inspired me to create one of those drinking games I love so much. So pull up a chair, swing by the FML site, do some browsing around, and have a swig whenever you see any of the following:

• The phrase "Turns out. . ." or "explosive diarrhea" is used.
• The comments section for any given entry includes a reverse perspective of that particular entry.
  
• A girl begins fluffing up her hair and batting her eyelashes because she thinks a guy is staring adoringly at her (typically on a bus). Then, it "turns out" the guy is gawking at her because she has her shirt on backwards, or he's eying some girl sitting next to her instead. (Take an extra drink if the girl tells him in a nasty tone to buzz off, but is then embarrassed because he's trying to tell her something helpful, such as the fact that there's toilet paper sticking out of her skirt.)
  
• A hair dye job or fake tan goes seriously, seriously wrong. . . inevitably on the day before the person's very important job interview.
  
• A girl complains that, while she and her boyfriend were getting it on (or while she was trying to put the moves on him), he did one of the following: 1) Lost interest, 2) Wasn't in the mood (gasp!), 3) Said something blatantly unsexy, 4) Preferred to watch TV or play video games.
• A couple is walking around in the community. One of them sees a random person up ahead and blurts out, "Ugh, who ever let that fat, skanky beast out of the house?" Well. . . "turns out" it's -- you guessed it! -- the significant other's mother or grandmother!
• A mom humiliates her son by either treating him like a child or deriding him for not having an active sex life.
  
• Somebody young (who has most likely gone through a "dry spell" for a while) endures an 85-year-old grandma's bragging about having an unbelievably active sex life.
  
• A scumbag whines about getting busted for shoplifting, cutting off a police car, cheating on a significant other. . . whatever.
  
• Someone boasts of amazing knowledge about some dangerous physical activity. . . then falls and suffers public injury while showing that "skill" off.
• A little kid calls someone stupid and/or ugly.
  
• Incriminating photos, pornographic materials, text messages, or e-mails are "accidentally" sent to the wrong person. . . in many cases, the individual's boss, teacher, or dad.
  
• A person becomes unduly terrified and jumps to conclusions over something that is actually a harmless reflection or shadow.
  

There now, see. . . maybe our problems aren't so unique, after all! Doesn't it give you such a feeling of solidarity?

The Hil is Alive...

Yep. . . yep. . . still alive and kicking. I actually wanted to call this "The Hils are Alive," but since I don't know any other Hils, that title might have sounded a little. . . "Me, Myself, and Irene"-esque. . . for lack of a better term. Thus, I'll just have to go with this one and hope somebody appreciates it!

Not much to report here, except that I bought a car. Probably not a surprise if you saw my March 30 post in this blog. The car comes with a free two-month trial of XM radio, which I love so much, I could just about marry it. Love the absence of commercials, love that it's the same all over the nation, love that I'm hearing songs I'd almost forgotten for half of my lifetime. I've been exposed to more "new" music in the last day than in the entire last year, so that is definitely keeping my commutes more interesting. (Good-bye, massive books of stale CDs!) Also, this fulfills my dream of POWER LOCKS! For years, I'd been constantly reminding people to lock the passenger door (even if we were just running into a McDonald's in the world's safest neighborhood for about 10 seconds), and for some reason, this made me feel like a nagging, neurotic, hyper-militant witch. Well, no more of that! Now, I inwardly cackle in glee while wielding my almighty remote control, hitting the magical button of choice, and watching the trunk fly up or the lights blink from numerous feet away. FREEDOM! What else could be so profoundly satisfying!

Otherwise, not much is going on. My blood continues to boil whenever people say they are "laying down," which seems to happen multiple times on a daily basis. In the last few weeks, people guilty of this atrocity have included English teachers, people with doctorates in English, and professional journalists. Yes, I now have seen two honest-to-goodness newspaper articles where the writers didn't know the proper usage of the word. It's likely I get way too offended over this particular issue. Lately, I read an article in Reader's Digest (I think) about a guy who went around the U.S. and hunted down grammatical errors on billboards or signs, then passionately went to great lengths to fix them. If I recall right, he would sometimes climb tall ladders and put his very life at risk. I'm too lazy to find the magazine and look up specifics right now, but I'm pretty sure he once got busted for vandalism. Still, hey, that was a minor quibble. All I could think while reading the article was, wow. That level of conviction is truly awe-inspiring. This dude and I would totally be kindred spirits.

I'm not even kidding. Yes, I am a loser. Of all the amazing Reader's Digest tales about heroes who move tractor trailers off kids' legs, use toenail clippers to perform life-saving surgery in a pinch, or build new schools in impoverished countries while living solely on Tic-Tacs, this is the story that I vividly remember!

This indicates to me that I have too much time and energy on my hands, and should maybe pour it into something a little more constructive. Therefore, I've made a goal of achieving six things per day that I'd be proud to describe if (hypothetically speaking!) someone called me in the evening and asked "How was your day?" or "What have you been up to in the four hours since we last talked?" Face it, I've done the whole sitting-around-and-being-lazy thing, and wonderful though it sounds, it's not all it's cracked up to be. In fact -- gasp! -- it's rather dreary and sluggish, and that hollowness alone is incentive enough for me to live life more rewardingly. While I thought coming up with six things per day would be easy, the truth is, it's a little harder than I'd expected. I managed only about three on the last couple of nights before throwing in the towel and collapsing into bed. (Yeah, don't I sound virtuous!) Here are some ground rules I'm setting:

1) The six things can't pertain to work, since I have absolutely no problem accomplishing at least six things in a work day. (It's when I'm off the clock that I seem to need extra motivation.)

2) They should involve a positive action, something I did. You'd think this would be obvious, but I did contemplate counting "defaults" such as "I didn't develop a massive headache that made me beg for death" or "I didn't drink a seriously sickening amount of coffee today." Then I decided that was, well, sort of a cop-out.

3) The six things don't all have to be productive or elaborate. Some could (and should) be fun things, creative things, things that nourish my soul and make me a calmer, happier person to be around. It could be something as intensive as writing eight pages, or something as simple as folding a few shirts. It could entail walking through the park at sunset, or ordering one of the 11 million possible sundaes at Cold Stone. (Side note: I almost never go to Cold Stone, but I just felt like pointing out that you could officially try 11 million combinations there, because that sounded like a nifty piece of trivia to sneak in.)

The point is, I want to savor life more. I like the number six. I get an almost-scandalous thrill out of checklists and planners and methodically marking off tasks. We'll see how this goes. Until next time, happy Easter (because I'm sick of using the word "holidays" and observing political correctness all the time). If you have tomorrow off, enjoy it! I personally intend to dye my hair red (and I have white towels and an ivory shower curtain -- eek!). Let's hope the bathroom won't end up looking too much like a grisly scene from Psycho.

Not-So-Smart Technology

Why, just in recent weeks, does the "maps" feature on my phone ALWAYS instruct me to go a few miles in the wrong direction and then make a U-turn?

Does it want me to enjoy the scenery and be fashionably late to everything?